Real Talk

I'm sure all of you have been thinking "when has that super sexy (even though I haven't seen him) Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe going to reveal his pen name?" Well the dramatic anticipation is over. (Because it totally wasn't procrastination)

I'm terrible at making decisions. I've already written (wrote?) This post 4 times. So let's just screw it.

My name is Justin Whitchurch.

A1

Surprise!

[Insert confetti clip art here]

Just some facts about me, cause I know you all are super interested in me.

~I at one point had 161 digits of pi memorized.
~I know 4 programming languages!
~i REALLY don't like spaghetti.
~My favorite weather in a very particular order is wind, snow, rain, sunny.
~My highest card castle was 8 stories tall.
~I once caught a fish thiiiiiiis big.
~I used to take cold showers so I could keep my cold tolerance up for winter. Then it didn't snow, so I took warm showers again.
~I really enjoy climbing trees.
~I can't swim.
~I drink way too much milk.
~I have more online friends than personal friends. Is that bad?
~I don't actually know if I'm a tourist or not. Probably am.
~Kit Kat's are the bomb.

Also, side note: we should take all the blogs and put them into a book. Just an idea.

Pinkies Are Useless

My pinkies are useless.

My pinkie is the most useless piece of my body that ever existed. I don't use it for anything. 

I don't use it when I click my backspace button. In fact I don't use it for typing at all.

When I drink from a cup with a handle it just kinda hangs out on the side. 

It puts little to no effort when I am grabbing something.

When I want to put my pinkie finger down, it has the balls to bring the third finger down with it.

It never wants to pop when I am popping all my fingers.

I use my middle finger more than I use my pinkie.

My pinkie is mangled into a weird shape. (apparently runs in my family?)

I typed this sentence using my pinkies. It feels weird.

It doesn't help me write with a pen or pencil.

I don't use it when I am catching a ball.

If I played the piano I would probably use it more... or any musical instrument in that case.

All my other fingers, (besides my thumb) can reach farther than it.

Why do we have pinkies? why do they exist?

I don't know, but they do. So they must be pretty dang important.

You...

You are the one .
You are the one that kept my head straight. You never let me roll around in stupidity like a hog.
You are the one that kept me from going with the flow, like floating down the river as a log.
You are the one that helped me stay up late to post to my blog.
You are the one that washed away my writers block, the one that cleared the fog.
My dear...
My dear...
Egg Nog.

10 Things That You Gals Don't Know About Us Dudes

Alright, first off. Apparently us dudes confuse you gals just as much as you to us. So let me clear this up a little.

1. The number one thing girls don't understand about guys is that guys don't understand girls. Most of the things on this list will be directly from this one.

2. Masculinity is important. If one man thinks he is manlier than me, I would be willing to do most anything to prove him wrong.

3. You might as well give up once testosterone kicks in. There is no use trying to convince us not to do dumb things if testosterone is in play. No use.

4. We forget things. Mostly important things. Us men... We tend to block out important things because it gives us stress. At least that's how it is in my case.

5. We don't understand why chocolate doesn't work 100% of the time. I once saw a picture that said if comforting doesn't work, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate. I would like to add that you are probably screwed if the chocolate doesn't work.

6. We don't like emotions. Girls always say they like a man who shows emotions. Guys always say to man up. Girls who say they like a guy who shows emotions are making him pick a side. Stop it.

7. We only act stupid. Half the time. At least I do...

8. If you are in a relationship with a guy, and he looks at another girl, don't be offended. This bugs me quite a bit. If a guy is looking at another girl, he thinks she is attractive. There is nothing wrong with this. Just think of how after he still wants to stay with you afterwards. However if he decides to leave you for them, I give you exclusive permission to be offended.

Look at me giving dating advice.

9. We make sound effects. Every guy does it...

10. We zone out. A lot. This was a really problem for me in sophomore year. I've found that my head is most comfortable in 1 position. So when I would zone out, it would naturally go to that position. However, It was probably creepy for the person who would always be on the other end, every single time.

Death of Creative Writing

I just spent the last half hour raging myself up for this by playing flappy bird...

And I am dang pissed.

I ain't talkin' 'bout no creative writing in general. I'm talkin' 'bout the Lone Peak Freaking Creative Writing Class. You have taken our freedom away. Only 1 post per week? Freak Nelson! I'm a freaking tourist, and I ain't gonna write more than I freaking have to. Why the freak did you think it would be a good idea to assign one post on a topic predetermined. Everyone's posts are going to be the same (besides all the people who decide to do more than required. I'm talking to you, residents). Variety will freaking be over. There won't be any ideas to freaking steal. Freak man, why don't you just assign 1 post per week, and let's freaking watch the office all day everyday.

Cause freak man...

Freak...

In reality though, I don't want you to change anything. Cause there will be some students who will be like "who the freak made this change happen! I wanna freakin murder them!" And you'll be like, just wait until he reveals his pen name! Dang that would be scary as heck.

And Nelson, I'm sorry if you took this personally. I just need to freaking rage at something.

An Ode To Work

So yesterday was my last day at work (cause you know, "Guys I just quit my job :)"), and I thought it might be worth while to share with you some funny quotes or experiences.

So lets start out with a story, Everyday, when my manager leaves for work. she has to take the money we had earned so far that day to the bank and drop it off. One of the employees has to witness it happen and sign a paper saying they witnessed it. So, my manager tells one of my co-workers to follow her to the bank. This is his first time doing it, so he doesn't know what the freak is going on. Anyways, she makes the drop off and leaves to go home. He still doesn't know what's going on, so he starts following her home... Just imagine how bad it would be if you show up at your managers house, having followed her the whole way home... brilliancy at work here guys. But she stopped at Walmart to get some groceries.

"Work like you're being chased by a zombie"

There was a time when I dropped someone's entire meal in front of them... Yep...

"If I didn't know you I would think you were flirting with me"

So when someone gives you a credit card to pay for their meal, you are trained to ask if they wanted a credit card receipt. Sometimes though, if you're really tired, you ask if they want one when they hand you cash.

"I just don't know how to react to you sometimes..."

We legally aren't allowed to serve people through drive through on non-motorized vehicles. So we used to bark at people who would try to come through with bikes or horses or strollers.

Just so you guys know, I have the best trainer ever.

We have this 3 gallon bag of ketchup that we hang on the wall in a container with a nozzle. So in order to change the bag, you need to take the container off the wall to switch the nozzle from the empty bag to the full bag. Well one of the cooks (and my trainer) thought it would be easier to not take it off the wall... Gravity of course took over and there was ketchup everywhere. So me trying to be funny grabbed a knife, and stuck it in the ketchup. Laughing at my joke my trainer went and laid in it looking dead. Pretty chill trainer.

Conspiracy Theory

(Look at me typing this up and posting this during class...)

I'm not crazy.

Teachers will end the world.

What if I told you that teachers have been developing top secret tactics to know what a teenager thinks. Essays, papers, blogs, journals. All contribute to their internal database.

When they ask for feedback. YOU'RE GIVING THEM WHAT THEY WANT.

The theory. Right.

The government. This is how they all start right? (or end) The government will buy out teachers and their tactics that they have been using for century's. We all know that teachers don't get paid enough, so I can't see why they wouldn't take (probably illegally obtained) money from the government. Anyways, the government will learn how certain people think, and by using that information, they can create situations that they already know the outcome to (Because they know how we will react). They can control us without controlling us. It's like the freaking matrix. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! anyways, someone will find out (or someone from the government will turn rogue). They will spread the news. People will freak, start destroying crap, like it's the zombie Apocalypse. You know how people do, start raiding shops, leaving nothing but empty shelves... It's like all manners leave once a zombie is spotted in like Africa... (Just a real quick side note, Utah county. Gonna be pretty chill during the zombie outbreak. If you think about the fact that we are surrounded by mountains, and the fact that probably everyone has a gun or two. I wouldn't be worried...) So world freaking out. Right. Everyone will start thinking "Every man (or woman, wouldn't leave you out) for themselves!" and the world would die. However, there always seems to be a group of people who "Saw this coming" (Me) and they would survive. Rebuild society. Let this happen again. Circle of life. It's actually a thing.

Teachers will end the world.

Now you know.

I want to hear your freaking conspiracies. Make a freaking blog post and link it in my comments. I want to be prepared for every possible ending of the world.

After Thoughts

So I was going to include this in my shout out to my least favorite things, but this deserves more writing than a small paragraph.

I hate getting into arguments with people. More than that, however, I HATE thinking of something that would have turned the tides of the conversation AFTER its over and the subject has moved on.

Here are some examples.

"Why aren't you working on your homework?" says parent

"I don't know" says you (That's pretty much what everyone says to everything that questions their actions)

What I realize I could have said after the fact

"Because you are talking to me! I can't work on my homework if I am giving my attention to a conversation." (That would however probably have gotten me in further trouble.... Worth it.)

I can't think of another example. (just take my word that it happens too often?) HOWEVER if you have one, by all means, post it in the comments. I would love to hear what clever hilarity you guys can come up with.

(Side note: I just found out my keyboard has this button €. Like whaaaaat!)

Something Different

This is the first blog post that I haven't posted Sunday night at 11PM.

My daily routine.

1. Wake up at 6 (or 5 for early morning seminary).

2. Sleep in an hour.

3. Get ready in 5 minutes and go to school.

4. come home at about three and eat (if even).

5. Go to work.

6. Come home close to about midnight and sleep.

(Yes, I do consistently get 5 hours of sleep.)

Somewhere fit in there homework.

I wish I could be different, spontaneous. But I am a planner, I need to know what is going on or it will drive me insane. I need to figure out mysteries. I Hate being "out of the know".

What in the freaking world am I going to do differently. I have to sleep, I have to go to school, I have to eat and I have....

...

Wait

...

Guys, I just quit my job :)

This blog is starting to change my life. Thank you.

Just a Few Shoutouts to My Least Favorite Things

Literally:
Literally is only to be used when you want to emphasize the fact that what you are talking about, which is usually perceived as figurative, isn't. Stop using it wrong.

Internet Language:
EFF (excuse my Utahn) U

Whiteboard Erasers:
Why in the world, do whiteboard erasers always leave a little bit of black marker carcass behind no matter what I do. I. Don't. Get. It.

Rewinding Cassette Tapes:
I feel so old for being so young.

The Fact That We Don't Get Door Bell Ditchers Anymore:
My parents used to always say that if you didn't give them a reaction, they would leave you alone... I didn't want them to! It was and is a game for me to punish them in the cruelest way possible. Try to sneak around the house to get up behind em. Send my old dog on them (RIP...).

People Who Spill:
I work in fast food. People drop drinks, or food, its understandable. But when they don't tell us I just want to strangle them. (more creative... Dipping them in a tub of live electrical wires.) I "love" finding a big puddle of dried up soda after a big rush in the back, an hour old. And by love I of course mean hate. I do however find great joy when people Tell Us that they spilled. I want to give them free food. Too bad I can't....

I Broke My Moms Wall...

Yep. Smashed it to (figuratively tiny) pieces. To make things worse, I broke it on her (29th) birthday! I would feel a lot worse if she hadnt had the other 25 29th birthdays. Anyways, I'm sure you want to see a picture. Here ya go.

 I'm sure you thought I was going into some deep metaphor. But no, I actually broke my moms wall. Oh, how I broke it. Right.

I had just bought a new longboard (like whatup!) And I was trying to get a feel for it, so I don't crash and die in the road. (Just crash and die in the comfort of my own house) so I was pushing myself back and forth across my kitchen, seeing how fast I could push myself off.

So I may have leaned too far into my push on my counter, and when I fell backwards, my legs kicked the board out in front of me. Slammed right into the corner. 

Just a slight dent in the board though, which I thought was pretty impressive.

How to Kill a Human

To the Aliens,

How to kill Humans:

~We bleed. Use that to your advantage.

~Dragons

~Zombies

~Resurrect Dinosaurs

(Pretty Scary)

~Sharks

~Sharknado

~Poisonous Shrooms

~Spiders

~Robots

~Poison Tipped Combs

~Suffocation by Mattress

~Storm Troopers

~caffeine overdose

Some people want to see the world burn. You should be one of them.

You're Welcome.

Crayons

Why does Crayola (there are other crayon companies, but let's face it, crayola is what you think about when someone says crayons) have so many freaking colors. I'm sure they have a whole department who's job it is to come up with new color names. They obviously aren't doing their job right.

I found this link http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/10-worst-crayola-crayon-colors that talks about the 10 worst crayon names.

Let me just talk about my favorites for a second.

...

Flesh? Why in the freaking world would you name a crayon Flesh... It says in the article that they later named it to peach (much more suitable for kids) because of parent complaints.

Purple mountain's majesty. I mean uh... Purple mountains' majesty. Or... Purple mountain majesty. They couldn't decide on the name so they made three names for one color. None of these names are correct to the song either! Why couldn't they just use the correct words from the song! Why not just name it purple mountain majesties? Was that too hard?

Alright, last one.

I like the name for this one. Macaroni and cheese. Except they couldn't decide on a spelling again. There are Six different spellings for this crayon. I mean how many different variations of and can you have? Is it N? Or &? Or -N-? I don't know! Why don't we just use them all! Why be a good company and make such hard and important decisions like what kind of and to use! Lets take the easy and less difficult and not hard and lazy and with less obstacles way out and just use all the names.

Freaking Crayola.

Spiders

There is a very fuzzy line between rational and irrational fears. Some people (in fact most people) have a rational fear of heights. I'm going to be talking about the irrational fear that the female members of family have.
Let's start with my sister. She lives in the basement of our house and consequently gets to find a lot of spiders. She doesn't kill spiders. She is completely afraid that they will somehow dodge the shoe and jump on her and bite her. This is somewhat rational in my eyes. However, my mom is on a whole new level.
My mom... I don't even know where to start. She can't stand even being in the same room as a spider. She has an amazing ability called spidar. She doesn't even have to look to see a spider. She has just pointed to the side of her directly at a spider before she even sees it on several occasions. It doesn't end there. Oh man it doesn't even come close to ending there. She is afraid that every spider she kills, another spider (most likely a relative) is going to try to come after her in revenge of the first spider. (Taken 2 anyone?) That they hold daily meetings on how best to kill and/or maim my mother. She has woken me up several times at 3 in the morning to have me kill a spider while my dad is out of town. Why is that even a thing!

So yeah, that's the first look into my family.

Introduction

Alright guys, let's start with my name. Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (Not really, but you know, just roll with it.) This freaking guy discovered caffeine (All praise), which is why he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or... something like that. I'm 17 and still don't have my permit (Procrastination!). I enjoy solitude. I'm good at social interaction, and I am very very very outgoing. But I need time to recharge, to get away to somewhere quieter. Putting on my headphones and playing a game (Which are mostly online, but you know, it still works), silent car rides, climbing a freaking tree. If we are sitting together in complete silence, I'll be thinking we are having a great time.

Off topic.

I love computers. They fascinate me. I am trying to learn as many languages and programs as I can right now. I enjoy programming (more solitude?) 

anyways, I don't want this blog to be super dark and super depressing (I'm not too much into getting my feelings out) I want this blog to make people laugh and enjoy themselves as much as I can. I don't need to get my feelings out, they wont be as heavy and will (sometimes) just go away completely if I see someone else happy. I just forget.